Blog #28

April 26, 2023

Hello to all my blog friends.  The sun finally came out this afternoon at 4 PM, It has been a long dreary April to say the least!  I hope you all go outside and experience the warmth of the sun.

I really have been down in the dumps the last two months.  I don’t really know why exactly.  It just could be the time of year and affective disorder syndrome affecting my moods.  Anyway, I have survived it all.  The winter is just too long here in Maine and cabin fever sets in for many people.

I just saw a new medications psychiatrist yesterday.  I liked him a lot.  He spent quite a bit of time with me and I felt it was beneficial to both of us.  He is keeping me on my same medications for now.  I am taking Resperidone 3 mg. daily at night and Resperidone 1 mg in am. This is my major bipolar medication.  I also am taking Lamotrigine 150 mg daily.  This medication was lowered from 200 mg to 150 mg two months ago.  I don’t feel any different  with the lower dosage.  I am continuing to take Zanex for sleep which is working well for me now.

My NAMI client lives in West Virginia now with her grandmother.  We do Chats together to keep in touch.  Unfortunately, Maki had to go into the psychiatric ward because she was suicidal.  She is coming home today. I pray she will be ok now.

I have heard from Andy who lives in Virginia.  He has text me and thanked me for clothes I sent him. He also said he and his mother are planning on visiting Maine in June. I hope so.  I miss him so much.

My car doesn’t steer easily and it is difficult to turn corners and to park the car. I had a mechanic look at it but he really didn’t do anything to the car that made any difference in how it steers.   I will just have to live with  it like it is I guess.

I also went to the eye doctor and I now have a prescription for new glasses. I am anxious to go check out frames.  I think I want round frames with transitions.  We will see. 

I am seeing a dietitian tomorrow morning.  I need to eat better and eat the proper foods for my kidney disease which has worsened in the last 4 weeks. I am taking Jardiance for my chronic kidney disease and am counting on it to help slow the progression of my kidney disease.

I have been talking with Jeff and they are doing well.  They have such great weather in the mountains of New Mexico.  We are still debating whether to fly there this summer.  Sometimes I really want to go and other times I don’t want to go.

The church thrift shop will be open on May 6 and I plan to go and help work. It is fun and I enjoy it. 

I plan on walking as much as possible this spring and summer.  It is so good for me and we have a great area for walking.

I hope all my blog friends venture outside now and find things to do to keep busy.  Soon, hopefully, the sun will be shining most of the time! FINALLY!

Have a beautiful spring.  I will blog again soon.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”.  Eleanor Rossevelt

February 12, 2023

Blog #27

Good afternoon to my blog friends!  Thanks to all of you for reading my blogs.  I hope you are receiving some good information and advice from my blogs on how I am living with bipolar disorder.

Last week I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner and

an appointment with my therapist.  Both sessions were great. My nurse

practitioner and I went over all my bipolar medications and my sleeping pill.

I will continue to take Resperidone .5 mg at night and now Resperidone 0.5

In am for depression and anxiety.  Actually, she told me Resperidone is my

 major bipolar medication.  Lamotrigine 200 mg daily is a powerful mood

 stabilizer but we may decrease it to 150 mg daily or even 100 mg daily as I

may not need the 200 mg and it also is difficult for my kidneys

 to filter.  I will see the nurse practitioner again in two weeks and we will

consider trying to decrease this medication.  I am a little concerned about

how it may affect my mood swings, especially my mixed mood swings but I

really would like to decrease this medication if possible.

I have been feeling quite depressed the last several weeks and am not

 sure exactly what the cause is because the depression comes and lifts

back and forth so rapidly.  I do find if I go for a walk or drive to a store and

shop I feel better at least for a short time afterwards .My medications are

 strong and I really need them to stay stable but they don’t always work

 the best they should for me.  I am fortunate that the only side effect I get

 from all my medications is I feel drowsy sometimes but really not that

 often.

Yesterday and today I am experiencing hypomania and it feels great.  I feel

motivated, creative and my spirits are up! It’s a great feeling. 

I worked at my church’s thrift shop Saturday and I had to do a couple of

 new duties which I was worried about the night before while trying to sleep.

    Well, everything worked out great for me and it built my confidence up.  I also spent $10 and bought a beautiful quilt for us and an awesome black leather purse.  I do get a rush of adrenalin from buying something I love.  I came home and vacuumed our apartment and straightened up everything.  Fred and I watched two “chic clicks” last night and I was happy.  I went to church this morning and we had a guest speaker from the Jewish faith give the message today.  It was extremely inspirational.  I had never heard a Jewish Rabbi speak. It was a powerful and spiritual experience for me.

    I am feeling so positive today I am planning to call my son Jeff and let him know that Fred and I do want to come visit Mandy and him in Timberon, New Mexico this summer.  I do not feel fearful – today anyway!  It’s really important to me to see them and their ranch as he has asked me many times to come.

    In a couple of weeks I have to have lab tests and see my kidney specialist soon afterwards.  I am praying for a good report.  I am really nervous about it all but  this feeling comes and goes and so far I am dealing with it ok.

     Fred and I are going to take care of our two grandchildren ages 6 and ten for four hours a day from 4 pm to 8 pm.  I think it’s going to be a lot for us to handle but we said we would do it! Wish us good luck! 

    My NAMI client left for West Viirginia this week to live with her grandmother.  I worked with her for two years exactly.  I will miss her immensely.  I also retired from NAMI this week.  I actually was put on Inactive status in case a special child happens to come into my life for some reason.  Working for NAMI has been a wonderful adventure and I love all the kiddos I worked with over the last ten years. It was truly a gift to me from above and I am so grateful I did it!

     It’s Superball Sunday and we are ready to watch the big game!  It will be fun!  I am rooting for Kansas City Chiefs and Fred is rooting for the Eagles.

    Well, things are looking up for me I hope. Medications are working and I am  working hard and doing my best to stay positive and hopeful these days.  I pray you all are doing well and are in good spirits. Please be sure to ask me any questions you may have and send them to me under “Contacts” on my Web Site.  Thanks so much.

    I will write a blog again soon.  Spring will be here shortly!

    “One filled with joy preaches without preaching.” Mother Teresa 

Blog #26

January 13, 2023

Happy New Year to all my followers on my blogs!

Dear friends, Christmas has come and gone now.  It has been a spiritual and joyous time of year for me and I pray for all of you too.  I have been blessed with a positive and uplifting attitude during this season for which I am thankful.  I sent out many Christmas cards and received many cards with thoughtful messages written with love for Fred and myself.  These cards were very heartwarming and special to us.  My church was really decorated beautifully and it was so spiritual to sit in the pew and just center myself and be grateful to be experiencing the service.  We actually had a quiet Christmas Eve and day alone.  Monday we went to see our grandchildren and their parents, it was a fun morning.  On Christmas Day my son Jeff called me and we talked for 2 hours on the phone.  It was definitely the highlight of the day for me.  My spirits were lifted immensely which made the holiday beautiful for me.  My moods are truly generated by events happening to and around me. 

Wednesday after Christmas we were blessed to be able to have Kyle and Liam (Andy’s younger brothers) came to our house for the day and overnight.  We had a ball with them. They are great kiddos and we love them dearly. I hope we can see them again soon.  New Year’s Eve was quiet too. 

I have been feeling well.  I am now taking two Zanex nightly to sleep all night and it is working fine.  My last A1C for diabetes was 5.4 which isn’t even considered diabetes.  Jardiance which is my new drug for kidneys seems to be agreeing with me – no side effects except I have lost some weight which is a good thing.  I am still going for therapy every week and I am fortunate to have found an excellent mental health LCSW therapist. I also have an excellent medications psychiatrist nurse practitioner. I am extremely grateful for these two wonderful providers. 

I am feeling extremely creative (probably hypomania) and it has come to me that I desire to rewrite my autobiography!  I had started it many years ago and did it on our computer.  Somehow it was deleted much to my disappointment and I was not inspired to write it again until today.  I have thought about writing it many times but haven’t been motivated to actually sit down and begin to write it again.  I believe my journey primarily by being bipolar is important for people to read and learn about to gain insight about this horrible disorder and how to help themselves and friends or loved ones.  It definitely has the best title imaginable “Living on the Edge of Madness”.  Now I need to write my detailed story with all the ups and downs of the disorder.  There have been many horrifying episodes throughout my life dealing with bipolar disorder to be truthful but there have also been many times I have found the resiliency to bounce back from disasters and move ahead to better times.

I am asking you all for your support and advice for me and I would love to know what you think about this plan I have to write this book. Your suggestions and guidance would be much appreciated.  You can go to my Contact page on my Web site and write any comments you may have for me.  Thank you.

Well, it has finally snowed here and we have a slushy mess outside.  Winter is here now.  We have had many dark, dreary days lately which can get you feeling down and depressed… I turn on all our lights in our apartment and play music.  It helps me cope during these miserable days.  When the sun shines it is like being reborn!  The weather sure does have a big effect on our moods.

Well, I hope you all are in good spirits and are healthy.  Time has a way of going by fast and spring will be coming just around the corner.  Be joyful and hopeful for each day and of course always be grateful for all you have.

“Some men see things as they are and ask why.  Others dream things that never were and ask why not.”   George Bernard Shaw

November 25, 2022

Blog #25

Good afternoon to all my blog followers,

Thanks for reading my last blog.  It is encouraging to know how many followers I have now.

I know I said I was going to write about the difference between Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2 in this blog but I haven’t done any research on this topic yet.

As I have stated before the psychiatric medications I am on are working great for me. I am taking Lamotrigine 200 mg daily and Risperidone 3 mg daily.  The new kidney medication I am taking which is supposed to keep me from having to go on dialysis is called Jardiance 10 mg. daily. I am taking a new sleeping pill which is working pretty well. I still have a hard time falling asleep but I do sleep better and longer. New medication is Alprazolam 0.5 mg. daily generic name is Zanex.

Well, Thanksgiving Day has come and gone.  Fred and I were invited to join his sister and husband and their two children and their wives for dinner.  It was truly an old fashion feast with all the trimmings. Very delicious!

Now it is the Christmas season!  I am really excited about it.  We have been watching Lifetime Christmas movies.  They really get you in the spirit!

I have bought all my gifts now and have them all wrapped and ready to mail.  I will wait another week before I mail them.  I am so excited for folks to receive them.  I also have all my cards signed with notes and stamped and ready to mail on December 5!  Oh, I decorated our apartment with Christmas decorations including a tree which we set up already.  Guess we are ready to enjoy the season. I did also put a wreath on our door!

I hope all my readers are in good spirits and will be able to enjoy the Christmas season.  If you are feeling down, dress up warm and cozy and go for a walk.  It can really lift your spirits!  Call a friend to chat with for a long time.  Go to Dunkin Donuts for coffee and a donut.  Meet a friend for lunch.  Go to craft fairs and buy something for yourself.  Play music.

Well, my friends, let’s keep a smile on our faces and joy in our hearts during this festive time of year and be kind to everyone you meet!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!

October 28, 2022

Blog #24

Good afternoon to my friends,

Thanks so much to everyone who read my last blog.  It is encouraging to know I have so many followers.

Well, I have really been on a roller coaster the last month or so because of how devastated I have been regarding the status of my kidney disease.  I have been trying to be hopeful but my feelings fluctuate a great deal. I am seeing a new therapist and I like her. It is helping me cope with the whole scenario.  I go to a mental health clinic. I doubt I would have been given a therapist if I did not have a mental health diagnosis and, of course, excellent insurance.  I am very fortunate I qualified and was accepted by the program.

I saw my kidney specialist Wednesday.  I was so nervous before our visit. My doctor told me I was doing great.  My numbers went up and my two most important labs came down which is great. I admit I have been drinking lots of water and following a renal diet for kidney disease.  He told me he thought I was a good candidate for a new drug which slows the progression of kidney disease and I probably  would not even have to think about dialysis if this pill works well for me.  I am excited about this opportunity and hope all goes well. Well, I came out of that visit uplifted and positive.  A big burden had just been lifted from my shoulders.

Now I could start thinking about  Christmas and shopping.  I did go shopping Thursday and I accomplished a great deal.  I was so happy I decided to go out to lunch even though I really didn’t want to spend money on myself for lunch. I ordered chicken pot pie snd a salad come with it.  There was so much food!  When I was done I was about to pay for my meal and my waitress told me I didn’t have to pay for my lunch because a kind man who wanted to remain anonymous had paid for my lunch!  Well I was overcome and tears came down my face,  What a nice treat for me. I was so blessed.  Yes, the last two days had been awesome.

I really enjoy this time of year and I am usually in good spirits.  Many bipolar folks don’t do well around the holidays and they are depressed. My mother became very depressed around Thanksgiving time and she couldn’t deal with all she felt she was suppose to do for the holidays.  My mother committed suicide a few days before Thanksgiving.  It was tragic and I always think of her a great deal during the holiday season.

I guess I was determined not to get depressed during the holidays. I buy gifts, send cards, make special food and decorate my house. I really enjoy all the festivities of the season.  This positive, up feeling lasts through Valentine’s Day.  I try to stay centered and not to get down in the dumps after Valentine’s Day is over

I am still working for NAMI and I have my one 17 year old client whom I enjoy a great deal.  She has invited me to have lunch with her Sunday at Donkin Donuts. She is very generous, giving and kind.

Fred and I will watch the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at 4 pm Sunday and he will also watch Nascar racing. 

I still am not sleeping well. I will be meeting with my nurse practitioner in a week and I will need to try a different medication.

I am feeling really happy because I have had three long conversations with my son Jeff recently. 

My primary care doctor left recently and I am seeing a nurse practitioner whom I like a great deal. 

Next blog I am going to write about what the difference is between   Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 11. My diagnosis is Bipolar 1. I know I have mania, mixed moods and depression. I will research this and let you know what the major differences are between these two diagnoses.

It is a cool, sunny day outside and Halloween is almost here.  We usually have about 70 kiddos come to our apartment.  It is fun to see all the kiddos in their costumes. 

Well I hope you all are feeling well and will be in good holiday cheer. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving Day with family and friends.

“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.”

Deepak Chopra

Blog#23

September 5, 2022

Good afternoon Friends,  Thanks to all friends who have been reading my blogs.  I really hope you are enjoying the blogs and hope they are helpful with understanding more about bipolar disorder and anxiety and depression associated with bipolar disorder.

Well, as I said in my last blog I had my birthday recently and it was good.

I have been taking .05 mg Clonazepam  lately for insomnia instead of 0.2  mg which didn’t work well for me.  It took me too long to fall asleep and I would wake up early in the morning.  I am now sleeping better and falling asleep sooner and like this morning I slept until 9 am.  I see my medications nurse practitioner in 2 weeks and talk with her about how I am doing sleeping now and I will also talk with her about my increased anxiety and depression.  I know it’s because of how freaked out I am about my diagnosis of kidney disease.  My numbers are suppose to be around 58 and they are now 21 which my doctor calls it grossly stable which means no remarkable changes.  It’s scary though because after numbers fall to 10 or below I might have to go on dialysis which is frightening to me!  I am trying to drink 8 glasses of water a day and eat foods which are healthier for kidney problems.  I see the kidney specialist again the end of October.

Kidney  function s do fluctuate and I am hoping my number comes up this time.  Sometimes I am really anxious and feel depressed about this and project about it and sometimes I am in a good space and have a good day.  This whole scenario is not good having bipolar disorder as it does contribute to my mood springs being intensified by kidney disease and the unknown future ahead of me.

I am so happy my diabetes is totally under control and my A1C is 5.7 which means I really don’t have diabetes anymore!  I am still taking 18 units of insulin to stabilize my A1C which is a good thing.  My blood pressure has finally come down to 125/50 up to 145/65 which is so much better than it has been in the past,  It  is so important to good kidney function,  I have also lost several pounds which makes me happy.  I really just am not eating as much now.

My bipolar medications are working really well even though I feel stressed out because of my medical condition. 

I am still working with a teenage girl 16 hours a month.  She also comes by to visit occasionally.  Working with her is challenging and emotionally draining at times but she is so likable both my husband and I believe it’s a good thing to help her out. She will be 18 next summer and the NAMI program will end for her.  I also believe right now I will end working for NAMI at that time.  I have really enjoyed being a respite provider for NAMI for the past10 years and have enjoyed working with so many children in need of emotional support in their lives.  It has been a great job.

Speaking of NAMI my friend Andy who I advocated for the last 10 years now lives in Virginia with his mom.  I guess he wants to come back to Maine to live.  It would difficult to get that all in place again for him.  I worry so much about how he is doing.  Andy and my teenager have similar diagnoses which make working with them  both interesting to say the least.

Andy’s brothers have moved back to Maine and are now living with their father.  They both started school this week.  I love those kiddos so much.  I sent  them clothes and money to begin school with this fall.  The dad was really appreciative of my gesture and I was so happy to do it.

Things have been quite quiet here in Norway for us.  My car has been in the garage for 7 weeks now waiting for a part to come.  It’s really frustrating and I really miss being able to use my car.  Did I tell you my therapist ended my therapy with her as she said we had accomplished my goals.  Well, now I feel like I wish I was seeing a therapist again while I am dealing with this kidney problem.  It is so difficult to secure a therapist nowadays.  The waiting period could be 6 months.  My exercise coach left a few weeks ago and I am not going to continue doing it right now.  Those are two big losses for me and I am not good at dealing with losses.

As always my husband has been a rock for me.  I am so fortunate to have him in my life as my devoted husband and best friend.  We have become closer since the pandemic began and today we are doing great!  My son and his wife Mandy are still living in New Mexico.  It’s sad for me because we don’t talk on the phone often.  I am happy they are doing well but I wish we had a closer relationship.  I have to work so hard not to become depressed about it.  It really affects my whole frame of mind.  It’s not easy dealing with this scenario for me and maintaining stability with my bipolar disorder.  I will write more about this part of my life later on.

Well, guess that’s all the news for now.  Fall is now upon us.  The weather is crisp and cool now.  Enjoy it and be in good spirits.  Always remember every day is a new beginning and we are survivors!

”Spread joy.  Chase your wildest dreams.”  Patch Adams

Blog #22

August 1, 2022

Good afternoon to my friends, I am so pleased so many folks are reading my blogs. Sorry I haven’t written a blog since June.  I just finished writing this blog and my first whole page was deleted somehow.  Anyway, I am doing fine.  I am sleeping much better taking 0, 25 mg of Clonazepam every night.  I sleep until about 5:30 am and then I go back to sleep for 2 or more hours.  My high blood pressure has come down to almost normal. I am seeing a kidney specialist now because my kidney function level drastically lowered last year to fewer than 30 when it should be 60.  I am freaked out right now about it all but I am trying to take one day at a time and cope with the anxiety of it all.  I will keep you all informed of how I am doing.  I thought being diagnosed with dipolar disorder and diabetes was enough to deal with but now Kidney disease it taking center stage right now. 

That’s all I have to rewrite page 1.  Sorry about deleting page 1.

My A1C is better now for my diabetes and has lowered from 7.0 down to 5.7 which my doctor said means I don’t even have diabetes anymore! This is awesome news!  I credit this due to my not eating any sugar at all!  Really, I’m so scared of all the side effects of diabetes I don’t eat any desserts at all, ice cream included!  Guess it pays off. I really don’t do anything else to improve my diabetes so I consider myself blessed.

I am still working for NAMI and I have one teenage girl who is 17 years old.  Fred and I like her and I do respite for mother 16 hours a month. Sometimes it is emotionally draining but we recover quickly.  We are providing 24 hour respite for mother next week day and night for the teenager and that will be a challenge.  Wish us luck!

I have told you all about Andy – the young man I have helped for the past 8 years. He did move to Virginia to be with his two younger brothers last August… I think it has been a difficult year for Andy and he wants to move back to Maine now.  His mom sent two boys to Maine for the summer to be with their father and now mother doesn’t know if boys will be coming home.  Father says no. It’s a real mess and I am so upset about it all. Anyway, Andy never texted me after he moved to Virginia and I admit I was really hurt.  I sent him new clothes often and wrote letters to him.  I knew he didn’t have any friends and I was worried about his mental health especially.  Well, lo and behold 3 weeks ago Andy texted me and he said he misses me and loves me more than I think. He also thanked me for the new clothes and letters.  This was amazing to me and I could not be happier!  I hope we continue to text each other.

I just had my hair cut and truthfully I feel uplifted and in a much better space!  Guess having the haircut was a positive, uplifting experience.  I still have the blue hairspray the tattoo lady gave me and I did try it one day but it’s not for me and Fred did not like it at all!  I do have earrings in my ears again now I am very happy about that.  I did go overboard this am when I went to Hannaford.  I was in line and the young clerk said “I love your earrings” they are so cool” Well. He was very handsome and my outgoing “bipolar personality” came out and I told him he was very handsome. He said thank you.  It was special and the whole scenario made my day!

Well, I heard today from a great neighbor and friend of 40 years.  It was so good to talk with her.  I also had my birthday on 7/26 and my two best friends of over 40 years came up to see me.  We had a wonderful day together. My son called me and wished me happy birthday.  Mandy and Jeff are doing great!

Well, that’s about it for now friends.  Hope something in this blog hits home and helps you in some way.  I will write again soon.

“Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.”  C.S. Lewis`

June 9, 2022

BLOG #21

Good afternoon friends,

I have been surprised at how many followers I have now reading my blogs.  I enjoy writing the blogs and I do hope some of the things I talk about especially about my bipolar disorder are educational and helpful to you.

Well, I have finally found a solution to my insomnia problem!  I am doing well taking one Clonazepam 0.25 mg at night for anxiety and insomnia. I take one tablet one hour before I go to bed and even though I get up several times during the night to pee I go right back to sleep. I usually wake up between 7 am and 8 am. This medication can make you a little groggy and you need to be careful if you do get up during the night as you probably will feel a little off balance. Be careful in the bathroom!

My depression has lifted and I still am feeling great.  It’s all such a mystery why my moods fluctuate so mixed but it’s because I have Bipolar 1 mixed. Disorder. My medication does control my mood swings extremely well but not totally for sure.  I always take my bipolar medications faithfully every day.  I would love to drink wine and once in a while I will buy a bottle of wine but I am so afraid how the wine will affect  my mind I only take sips of the wine which lasts sometimes for weeks.  I know how badly I can feel and nothing is worth taking such as wine, beer, or marijuana.  I have learned my lesson and I don’t want to take any chances. 

 I am extremely selective in what movies I will watch.  I don’t watch murder movies or medical movies especially any movies about suicide or mental illness.  Too depressing. I watched part of a series on Netflix called “13 reasons why” about a high school girl who was bullied and shamed, etc.  She did commit suicide and she left 12 tapes for 12 fellow students to read who treated her so poorly and she told each person what they did to her and how they made her feel.  It is a powerful series.  Very disturbing! I don’t recommend it for students or parents especially those who have lost someone to suicide.  

We did just finish watching a really fun series called “Workin Moms” on Netflix.  We really looked forward to watching episodes each night.  Miss it!

I really am in an organized. motivated mood right now and I am really happy.

Well, I have to go now to have my ears repierced and I am very excited to do this.

Well I now have  my ears pierced again with little silver hoops which will not hurt when I am sleeping.  4 weeks and I can take hoops out and start wearing my many earrings.

Tattoo artist told me I ought to put a spray of color in my hair. Honestly, I never considered it before but now, in my hypomanic mood, I really think I am going to put a slash of purple probably on my bangs.  Guess this product washes out with one shampoo. Why not!

I heard from Laura who is Andy’s mom.  Andy lives with his mom and two younger brothers now in Virginia. I heard from Andy’s sister that Andy wants to move back to Maine!  That would be extremely difficult for him to make it all work out well for him.

I love him but I just can’t be there for him like I was the past 8 years.  I don’t have the mental or physical or emotional energy to deal with his agenda. This could be complicated for me.  I will just have to not project about this happening and let go of it for now.  I am sure I will be writing more about this scenario in the near future.

Fred and I just finished dinner which consisted of chili which I made and biscuits.

It was delicious!

I hope you all have a happy, healthy June.  Looking forward to seeing more sun!

“Keep knocking, and the joy inside will eventually open a window and look out to see who’s there”.

May 20, 2022

Blog #20

Good morning friends, so happy to see quite a few folks have been reading my blogs lately. Don’t forget you can ask me questions on my contact page.

Well, I do have an art exhibit at the Norway Memorial Library right now. I also have my photo and article in local Advertiser/Democrat newspaper.  Exciting!

I still haven’t found the answer to my insomnia problem. I am now taking 2 3mg Melatonin pills at 10 am and one .025 Clonazepam, 025at 3 am. I sleep until 7 am. Anyway I feel rested and alert now.

I never seem to be able to see my PCP when I need to and I end up with another doctor.  Well I was looking forward to seeing this woman doctor today and even thought about changing doctors because I would prefer seeing a woman.  First of all the medical assistant came into the office and said, I see you are here because you are experiencing neck and spine pain. (I came because of frequent urination problems). I told her “No, you must have the wrong patient”. I have never experienced neck and spine problems. She said, “Person who took this information said you told her you were having neck and spine trouble”. I said I never said that to anyone.  Well that incident didn’t start things off well!  Doctor came into room and I knew at first glance I would not be changing doctors. I wasn’t impressed with her appearance at all!  She was dowdy looking.  She was nice enough and tried to help me but not real helpful.  She needed more lab tests before she could determine what was going on with me.  Also she took my blood pressure and it was 184/75 which is much higher than it has been at 135/50 for the last 2 weeks, Oh well, she checked my swollen ankles.  She ended up saying I needed lab tests to rule out kidney damage and heart problems. Not very encouraging.

I went over to the lab and went in. A lab tech was sitting in a chair behind a desk.  Again I was not impressed with her. She had green hair, a tattoo on her arm, a low cut top and she was sitting cross legged in her seat -So unprofessional!  She also was rude.  It was a bad experience.

Anyway it was an all-around bad experience at the doctors this morning.  I am glad I have the doctor I do have now.  He is highly professional and he is an MD from Maine Medical Center and has helped me with my diabetes and high blood pressure issues a great deal! I will stick with him and be grateful for him. Live and learn I guess!

I now have to take my blood pressure again here at home and call it in the the woman doctor now.  Also I may find out something about my labs.  I took my blood pressure and it is still high – 170/71. Not good news.

After spending the whole day talking with nurses and getting lab results I was pretty discouraged.  Labs showed my three kidney functions have all decreased.  I did put my feet above my heart and lo and behold my swelling has gone down!  I am increasing Losartan as I was only taking 50 mg instead of 100 mg which my doctor said could be the cause of the decrease in kidney functions. My blood pressure has come down to 164/69. No more salt for me!  I slept all night using 2 3mg melatonin pills until 3 am and then two 0.25 pills of clonazepam. Felt great to sleep until 9 am!

Well my next doctor apt with kidney specialist is June 28. Until I will do my best to drink lots of fluid, use little salt, take my meds correctly and elevate my feet if I got swelling again.  What an ordeal but it’s so scary to me about dealing with kidney disease.

As far as my bipolar is concerned my depression symptoms have gone away for now. It is so great to feel “normal”.  My medications are working well. I do have mixed symptoms and right now I feel better than usual, creative and motivated.  It’s a great way to be.  I will talk with my psychiatric nurse practitioner again in 4 weeks.  She has been really helpful to me.

I can’t wait for the sun to shine and the weather to be warmer!  That combination always lifts my spirits.  Getting outside more and walking is so good for me.

Well, sorry to gone on so much about my health problems but they really affect my mood and I need to know all the facts so I don’t have so much anxiety about my health condition.

I talked with Jeff last night. Always fascinating to hear him go on about what great weather they have in the mountains of the Southwest.  They are so busy on their ranch and enjoying life to the fullest.  I am so happy Jeff and Mandy are doing well and are at peace with their lives.  It’s always fun to talk with them.  It motivates me to get out and live life more fully, take risks and adventures. Still not sure how I feel about going to Timberon to visit them!  We will see!

Friends, let’s hope for sunny days ahead and if you want to go somewhere or have something guess we all should do it now this summer! Looks like we are heading for a recession and it will not be fun! Let’s pray things will change soon and the USA will be back in recovery soon!

April 28, 2022

Blog #19

Good afternoon friends, I really need to update my last blog mainly about my sleep insomnia problem.  I said Melatonin was working for me but unfortunately it is not working!  My psychiatric nurse practitioner prescribed a different drug to help me sleep called Clonazepam .25mg every night. I have tried it but it is so powerful I really can’t function with it and feel really drugged up all night and way into the next day. I made the decision to stop taking this drug and try to sleep at night without any drugs.  I have been successful for the last week without any problems.  I really just made my mind up to deal with this problem by sleeping without any sleeping aids. I couldn’t deal with the drugs and I didn’t want to take another pill.

I am having a problem with feeling really sleepy during the day.  I don’t like feeling this way at all. I have asked my pharmacist to check all my medications to see if any of my drugs are making me sleepy during the daytime. The pharmacist said my new medication for Bipolar Disorder can make you sleepy.  I have a call in to my psychiatric nurse practitioner now. I will let you know what she says as soon as I hear from her. This medication is Risperadone 3 mg daily every night. I just got an appointment by Zoom to talk with PNP tomorrow AM at 9 am. 

I just talked with my PNP and she does not believe it’s Risperadone that is causing me to be sleepy during the day. After researching this problem she has ordered lab tests to check my anemia which can cause sleepiness. Also it could be a symptom of my kidney disease.  We will find out next week.  I did sleep all night again last night.

I hope we will be getting warmer, sunnier days soon.  Early Happy Mother’s Day!  I will be writing a blog on me exhibiting my art at the public library here in Norway.

March 26, 2022

Blog 18

Hello friends it’s my son’s birthday March 28.  Jeff will be 52 years old. Jeff lives in Timberon, New Mexico which is over 7,000 feet high in New Mexico mountains.  Jeff and his wife Mandy have lived there over 20 years part of the year.  They have lived there all year for the past 2 years. Jeff and Mandy rent an apartment in San Francisco too and am not sure yet if they want to give it up yet.  Mandy worked for Lockheed Martin as a research scientist in Palo Alto for over 10 years and now due to health problems with MS she has left her position there.  Mandy loves it in Timberon as does Jeff. They are true pioneers and survivors.  Mandy is doing great dealing with MS and Jeff is 100% cured of throat cancer.    Jeff teaches boxing to Google employees via Skype and buys and sells everything under the sun.  Mandy enjoys cooking and working on their land raking and designing areas of rock gardens. And teaching yoga to local residents.  They both enjoy riding 4 wheelers.  Jeff owns a big dirt bike and rides all over mountains with his gun because of mountain lions and other creatures in the area.  They are so happy in Timberon.  I am so happy for them.  I miss them both so much but know they are living the good life.

Now I want to continue to let you know how I am doing with my insomnia problem.  I now have a psychiatric nurse practitioner who is helping me with my sleeping problem.

She has changed my Invega medication to a different medication called Risperidone 3 mg daily. It doesn’t interfere with kidney function and should help me regulate my moods better.  Now, she has tried 3 different prescription drugs on me for sleeping problem none which has worked for me.  I have been so desperate to cure this problem and NP told me I need to get good night sleep or it could trigger my bipolar disorder to become active.  Finally I took her advice in the beginning and since I had run out of the last drug she gave me I decided to take Melatonin 10 mg. I hadn’t wanted to as I felt dosage was too high but a friend told me she took it so I decided I could try it.  It is not a prescription or controlled substance.  It is an over-the-counter drug free pill…  So I went to Walgreen yesterday and I found the correct type of Melatonin which is called Melatonin Natrol Melatonin Advanced Sleep 100% drug free Time Release pills. There are 60 tablets in bottle and cost $14.  Well I took one pill last night one half hour before I went to bed and I felt really tired and I fell asleep shortly after I was in bed.  I did not wake up 2 or 3 times during the night as I usually did.  I slept all night peacefully until this morning at 8 am!  It was wonderful and I felt so rested and without side effects.  I am so happy.  I am also so glad I am not taking the powerful controlled drug the NP had decided to try on me.  She is very happy also that Melatonin is going to work for me. Now I have to pray it continues to work every night!  I have great faith it will work!

Next blog is going to be about my adventure to my local library and my new outlook on finding things to entertain myself and thus give me a new adventure.

Well, hope my story of finding an answer to my insomnia helps someone else too!

It is so important especially to those of us who have mental health disorders to get at least 8 hours of sleep each night! 

That’s all for now.  Hope you all have an awesome spring with plenty of sunshine in your lives.  Every day a new beginning!

February 14, 2022

Blog #17

Happy Valentine’s Day friends

Thanks to everyone who have recently read my blogs!  I hope they have been helpful to you in some way.  Please remember you can ask me questions and I will try to answer them for you. Just go to the contact page and type in your questions.

Well, to start things off Fred and I contracted COVID 19 the first of January and it was miserable.  We had runny noses and coughs, chills and extreme tiredness.  As soon as I was diagnosed with Covid my doctor asked me if I wanted to have the monoclonal infusion of antibiotics.  I said yes and I went to the hospital and had an IV in my arm for one half hour. I was monitored closely.  I do not know how much it helped me get rid of Covid but I do have antibodies now which are suppose to help me from getting Covid again.  This virus lasted about two weeks.  We were happy when we felt well again.  We were advised to continue to wear our masks in public.  Many people are not wearing masks now.  It is very confusing to us but we do wear our masks when grocery shopping or doing errands in our town. We will continue to wear masks for now.  We are hoping we now do not get the flu!

On another note I have continued to have a great deal of trouble being able to sleep all night.  I have tried everything and I have been working with my primary care physician on this problem.  He won’t give me more than 15 pills of 2 and a half mg of Valium for 3 months.  This little amount of valium doesn’t help at all.  He also suggested I take an exercise class (one on one with an exercise coach).  I am doing that now but I can’t see that this helps me with my sleep problem.  I do enjoy the workout  though.  I have been taking Melatonin 3 mg, 5 mg and occasionally 10 mg to try to help with my sleep problem.  Melatonin is a safe drug and does work to some extent but it really doesn’t cure my sleep problem.

Finally, I have been disappointed with my primary care physician managing my mental health medications.  It isn’t his specialty and I don’t get the care I have always gotten from Maine Behavioral Health Care working with a psychiatric nurse practitioner.  The nurse practitioner always saw me every three months for one half  hour and we discussed how I was doing and the nurse practitioner would adjust my medications for me.  Well, my primary care doctor has only quickly asked me how I was doing and that was the end of the discussion which lasted about 5 minutes. Recently I saw my doctor and he isn’t even going to see me again for 6 months for a Well Health appointment.  I finally have come to the conclusion that I do not want him managing my mental health case any longer.  I wanted to try to get reinstated with Maine Behavioral Health care again.  I called the office at Maine Behavioral Health Care and I was told that they were only accepting people who had been discharged from a hospital right now because of the pandemic.  The receptionist did say because I had been a patient with them they might accept me.  I needed a referral from my doctor.  I got one and I called the referral administrator.  She called me back and I ended up being able to go back to Maine Behavioral Health Care.  I had an hour and a half Zoom call with her which was unbelievable I thought!  She and I discussed thoroughly my sleeping problem and she did prescribe Trazadone 50 mg a night or  100 mg if needed.  I was so excited to try this medication.  I took one 50mg Trazadone first night and I did sleep much better.  I did take another 50mg pill at 2 am and I think it helped me sleep until 8 am.  It seems to be working ok. I have a followup appointment with the nurse practitioner in 2 weeks to see how I am doing.  Well this certainly is much more help than what I was getting from my primary care doctor!  I realize now that it is better to be treated by a professional mental health agency than to have your primary care physician doctor manage your mental health needs.  This is not the primary care doctor’s primary skill!    I hope this information will be helpful to those people who are thinking of combining all their mental health needs to their primary health care doctor to realize seeing a professional mental health provider is the best choice for the best care and you deserve the best care!

I am still working for NAMI and I have one client which is great for now.  I am also considering going to work at our nearby hospital as a volunteer.  It really sounds like something I might enjoy doing so I will go and talk with someone about volunteering soon.  Wish me luck.  Believe me I am not interested in helping someone file or use a computer.  I do want to do something I will enjoy and  is stress free!

I am afraid I have a case of Cabin Fever right now!  I can’t wait for longer daylight and better, warmer weather to arrive.  I have been taking vitamin D3 for depression this winter and I really haven’t been depressed!  Maybe it helps!

Well, I hope to write another Blog soon.  I really have been feeling well mentally and I hope you all are doing well.  It does help to get out and get some fresh air every day!

Thank you

Blog #16

October 28, 2021

Good afternoon friends,

I can’t believe I haven’t written a blog since July!  I have been quite busy and I have been feeling well in regard to my bipolar disorder scenario.  My doctor increased my Lamotrigue 100 mg once a day to 150 mg. once a day and truthfully I feel much better.  I am not so irritable and I am not so impatient and I feel calmer.  Some people take 200 mg of lamotrigue daily but as my doctor said to me sometimes it gives the patient a “flat” personality.  I do not want to feel like that at all.

I have been having trouble sleeping and I know it is due to all my stress and worrying about the young man I have devoted to for the last 8 years to helping him deal with his autism and severe social anxiety plus he does have bipolar depression.  I have been there for him above and beyond for all these years because I really care about him and his plight dealing with these mental health diagnoses. This last year during the pandemic he secured an apartment with my help and he has tried to make it all work to much avail unfortunately.  He is only 21 and has limited daily living skills.  He has had no support from a social worker who would not come to his apartment or any family or friends to help support him.  I took “a leap of failth” and I did help him out by cleaning his apartment weekly and cooking for him plus I kept track of all his appointments and took him to these appointments.  We also went grocery shopping and to Walmart for clothing and other supplies.  I also came to his apartment just to visit him often as he was lonely and so isolated. My friend also began using pot and drinking beer which contributed to his depression and motivation to participate in any activities outside of his apartment.

It was not a good scenario and he deteriorated during the past year.  I was exhausted and it was difficult for me to keep up with all that needed to be done for him daily.  His mother, who lives in Virginia, came to visit her children who live in Maine last July.  She visited my friend and she was shocked at how bad he looked and how little he did to keep his act together which was mostly due to pot and alcohol abuse.  Finally she made the decision to take him back to Virginia with her to live and to help him.  He only wanted to go to Virginia more than anything in the world to be with his two younger brothers and mom so he was so happy to go with his mom.

My friend of eight years is now living in Virginia with his family and from what I have heard he is doing well and his mother is really trying to help him feel better about himself.  I am so happy for him even though I miss him so much.  It feels like “empty nest syndrome” to me.  I dedicated all those years to help him out in every way possible plus he was a special friend.  He did not communicate by phone, only text, and talked rarely.  I received a birthday card from his mom in July and he had actually written in the card a note to me which said, “happy birthday to the best Godmother there will ever be”.  Well that note is precious to me and I will always be happy I did everything I could possibly do for him.  Nothing will ever mean more to me than that beautiful note to me written by my beautiful friend.

Anyway this scenario has taken up most of my time throughout the summer and fall.  I have felt great.  I do have a new primary care doctor here in Norway and he is terrific.  He is also managing my mental health care.  He is the one who increased my Lamotrigene..  He is so knowledgeable in this area plus in my general health needs.

I had to see a kidney specialist last summer because lab tests showed decreased kidney function and the second time I went to this doctor the report did say stage 4 kidney disease which means dialysis is the next step.  Well, I was in shock with this news!  I went home and I was devastated for sbout two weeks. I then had to see my PCP and I told him about this diagnosis.  He told me I was nowhere near having to have dialysis and not to worry.. My kidneys were not at a normal level for my age but ok and I would be fine.

Well, I felt like I had a new lease on life but I made up my mind I would take better care of myself.  I completely stopped using salt as my blood pressure was higher than normal and I gave up all sugar due to having diabetes.  Well, when I returned to my PCP after two months I had lost 7 pounds, my blood pressure was lower and my A1C for diabetes improved from 7.2 down to 6.3 which means I really didn’t have diabetes anymore.  I still take 500 units of Metformin daily (which was decreased from 1000 units daily) and my insulin units has decreased from 52 units daily down to 18 units daily.  This all is like a miracle to me.  I feel better physically and mentally.  I plan to  continue to decrease my salt intake and to not eat any desserts,etc.  I am very proud of myself.  This also has improved my kidney function which was my main goal. So you can see I have been busy!

I will write a new blog soon telling you how the holiday season coming up affects me emotionally and all I do to make it a beautiful time of the year for myself and my loved ones.  Until then I hope you all will enjoy the fall season and are experiencing good mental and physical health!  Be happy and safe!

Blog #15

7/14/2021

Good afternoon friends,

I am finally sitting at my computer to type an essay I wrote to share with you.  I have sold many copies of this essay to folks of all ages and background.  A social worker at Long Creek Detention Center in South Portland told me she keeps a copy of my essay on her desk for the teenagers to read.  I was so happy to hear that good news .A 17 year -old young man with autism read it and said he read it three times and could really relate to it.

Below I have typed it for my readers as I want to share these thoughts and feelings with you.

                                       FINDING MYSELF

                                                   BY

                                       SUZANNE THURLOW

Why doesn’t anyone know me?

They only see what they want to see, they judge me at first glance, they look at my hair, my eyes, my smile.

What do they see?  Is that all of me?

I look like some of them.  They accept me. I am one of them.  They think they know all about me.

What, I wonder, could they know about me in so short a time?

Do they know I see through eyes which have a great sadness behind them?

How I grieve for my loved ones who are suffering and in pain.

How much I love my friends and care for their well-being?

How much I wish I could help the ones I love and share my hope and courage to those who need it.

Are they looking at my face, my smile, my clothes?

What do they show?  Why don’t they let me talk and tell them how I feel about  life, my feelings for mankind.

Don’t judge me by my outward self.

Take time and sit and talk with me.

I care about what you have to say because you came to me to share your feelings.

There is spirituality in being together, sharing, listening and understanding each other , accepting each other and giving each other trust and love, unconditionally.

Why do I struggle so to reach out to people for their love when what I need most is to learn to love myself.

My outward self is geared to say and show, “I am a worthy person who loves herself, “can’t you see this?”  Inside I doubt myself, I am hard on myself, my guilt overwhelms me and keeps me from doing the things my heart dies to do in this one life we live in for so short a time.

I don’t trust myself.  I am no good.  I am a bad person.  How could anything I do be good, worthwhile, important, living, kind, warm.  All of these things I cry for to be and do.  I can’t let myself follow through on doing these things because I am not worthy of loving another.

Help me, I say, to my inner being, my core, my learned and habitual self.

Help!

I want to get out of this self!

I want to say No!

No to my codependency, my addiction to love and giving.

I want to start from the bottom of the pit and say, “I love myself, I am good”!

I am a worthy, loving, kind person who wants to love herself first, and to find courage and spirituality in life through a higher power.

Be it God, Mother Earth or mankind.  Spirituality is mankind, our brothers and our sisters.

When I fInd this selflove and spirituality I can then reach out and touch my fellow man, hopefully give unselfish spiritual love to my friends.

Am I alone with all these thoughts and ideas?

Why are these ideas so important to me?  Why, I ask myself, because I want to know myself better, understand my feelings, be able to set boundaries and thus set myself free!

All I ask of you is to not judge me, at first glance, at second look or even when I speak!

Rather, come close to me, look into my eyes and, if you can, hug me and tell me I am your friend and you love me and will spend a little time with me.

Reach out and touch me and we will find spirituality and love, which we both deserve and long for in our lives.

You may purchase a copy of “Finding Myself” for $15 by check or PayPal to me at P.O. Box 343, Norway, ME 04268

Blog #14

June 30, 2021

Good afternoon friends.

Just inspired to write another blog today. I am in an awesome mood even though I can feel the beginning of a migraine coming on!  Time for two Excedrin for Migraines which works beautifully for me.

In another section of my Web site I wrote that I had available for sale two essays I wrote for $15 each or 2 for $25.  Truthfully, both are really worth reading as I have been told by many folks who have bought one or both essays.  I really want to share one of these essays with you now so you can know me better and to also learn more about what it is like to live with bipolar disorder for me.  If you decide you would like a professional hard copy of this essay I will send you for a short time one essay plus  a bonus of  the second essay which is called “Finding Myself” which is extremely powerful and personal for the small fee of $20.  Here is my essay.

Living On The Edge Of Madness by Suzanne Thurlow

What’s going on?

I am ecstatic- I feel wild!

I love this madness which comes into my soul.

It’s pure genesis.

Nothing could feel better.

I’m flying, soaring high, higher and higher.

I can’t come down.

I don’t want to come down.

I’m going faster, faster

I can’t stop!

I see and think all thoughts and visions

With crystal clearness.

Everything is beautiful, can’t you see?

I love the rush of thoughts spinning around

And around in my mind.

Can you catch me?

Can you see, feel or hear how I am feeling?

Does it show?

Do you feel like I do?

Where did this feeling come from?

Why me?

Do others feel like me?

I want to shop, drive, love, dance, sing, dress up-be your friend.

Come with me to this unknown dimension.

Wait, Wait!

What happened!

I’m falling, down, down, down.

I’m so heavy.

I’m going to crash!

Help me. I don’t like this feeling.

It’s too dark here and lonely.

Where is my smile.

My vision of a beautiful world.

My flight to the moon?

It’s all gone.

I’m down in hell!

How do I get out?

I don’t want to get out.

Life is too sad, too hard, too lonely.

I hate this feeling of sadness and gloom.

Wait!

I feel a little hope.

I feel lighter.

I’m smiling.

Slowly, slowly, I feel the sunshine again, color, music.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m coming out of the dark place

I dread to a place I call safe.

It’s home to me.

It’s not the place of rushes and grandiose feelings

But it’s note the dark space of hell.

It’s just a place I can be free in and live with you for a little while,

Occasionally.

As I wrote before this essay really states it all for me what it is like for me to live with bipolar disorder.  I hope you can feel my pain and my joy and you feel better informed about what bipolar disorder looks like for some of us.  Thank you for taking the time to read my essay. I am so happy to finally share it with my blog friends.

Have a wonderful day! Let’s pray this heat wave ends soon!

Next blog I am going to write my story of bipolar disorder I speak to groups about such as Maine Medical Center clinicians and Rotary Club members in the hope that they, too, can learn more about the disease and folks affected by it and to help erase the stigma associated with it.

Thank you.

My professionally printed essay is single-spaced on colored paper.

Blog #13

June 30, 2021

Good morning friends,

It’s been so hot here in Maine lately.  Hope everyone has been able to find ways to cool off, swimming sounds like the answer to me, especially in the ocean!  Love it when the ocean water is warm! What a treat!

Well, just a few things I have and am experiencing lately.  Many seem to affect me either in a really manic way and some extremely depressing but today all these varied moods seem to have completely lifted and I feel great!  I have to admit I do have bipolar l Mixed. It’s really hard living this way but for some reason I have a great deal of resiliency and bounce back from despair and elation quite amazingly.  Ask my husband about it!  He’s the most kind, patient man in the world.  He seems to survive my many moods quite well. How, I think it’s because he lets me experience whatever my mood is until I have worked through it whether it lasts moments, hours or days.  He doesn’t say anything to me; he just acts “normal”.  He always asks me each day what I want for breakfast.  Amazing to me but makes me feel cared for and loved.  After my episode he treats me kindly and tenderly and doesn’t bring up anything I did or said during an episode. Amazing again!

I really don’t know how he puts up with it all.  I like to think it’s because when I feel “normal” I am a really nice person Ha Ha, especially kind and caring to him.  Life goes on calmly and happily until the next explosion or deep depression.  Luckily, these episodes don’t happen or last too long these days but one never knows what’s coming next!

I could go on and on about this scenario but that’s enough for now.  Guess you have figured out it’s not easy living with me. I am so blessed to have him in my life as my rock!

Lots going on right now in my life with my autistic 22 year old friend, my respite work and now my NAMI Speakers Bureau talks.  I want to talk more about all these things hopefully the next time I write my blog. Stay happy and cool!

Blog #12

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Blog

Good afternoon everyone,

This afternoon I want to share with you my terrifying experience I had between two medications I took every day.  One medication was Lithium which I had been taking for over 30 years daily.  Lithium did help stabilize my moods enough so I could work full time and manage my personal life. The other drug was a high blood pressure pill called Diovan which I had been taking for 3 years before I began experiencing adverse symptoms which finally almost killed me.

I began feeling like something was wrong with me in 2010 while I was working for the Iris Network full time.  I felt tired all day and not on top of things.  I had to keep drinking diet Pepsi all day.  I didn’t know what was happening to me but I didn’t feel right! In 2010 I retired from my job.  Soon afterwards I began to think I couldn’t do anything fast enough.  I was becoming slow in everything I did.  I just attributed it to retirement and becoming older.

In 2012 my son came to visit me from California and he couldn’t believe how slowly I did everything.  He was really concerned about me.  I had vague symptoms, nothing obvious except how slow and lethargic I appeared to be.  I actually thought this might be normal for me at my age.

I began getting up in the morning and coming downstairs and sitting in a rocking chair in my living room.  I really wasn’t interested in eating and I just sat in my chair all day.  It became impossible for me to get myself out of my chair and my husband had to pull me up out of the chair.  I also couldn’t dial the phone anymore or write notes.  My handwriting became difficult to read.  I also couldn’t take a shower or wash my hair very well and it was difficult to dress myself.  My husband had to do all the cooking and cleaning. Like I said all I did was sit in my chair all day. It was also extremely difficult for me to walk. I had to take baby steps.

Things slowly and progressively became worse and one night I got out of bed and went into the bathroom which was on the second floor. I came out of the bathroom and it was dark and I became confused and I didn’t know which way to turn to go back into my bedroom.  I fell down the whole flight of stairs on my stomach and landed on the floor in front of the front door.  I hollered “help” and my husband came and pulled me up. Later on I found out I had broken my wrist.  I was all black and blue.  I could have died! 

I stayed home for two days because we had overnight company.  As soon as they left I told my husband to take me to the emergency ward.  They admitted me to P6 the psychiatric ward. I was a mess.  Nurses tried to give me a pill with yogurt which landed in my lungs. I felt like they were trying to kill me.  The doctors did not know what was wrong with me. Fortunately my husband checked all my medications on Google and he found that Lithium and Diovan interacted negatively and could cause death. Well that was what was happening to me over a 3 year period. My husband informed the doctors and they detoxed me from Lithium immediately.  Unfortunately I became extremely ill and they moved me from P6 to another ward because they did not know what to do to help me.

Well, I had wires and a breathing tube plus other apparatus on my body. I also became comatose and stayed that way for 6 days. I could not swallow. talk, see, move my body.  I felt nothing. I was told I was coughing a great deal due to not being able to breathe.  Finally I went into crisis mode and my husband hollered at doctors and said, “Can’t you see, she can’t breathe”.  Come to find out I only had 50 percent oxygen level at this time.  Doctors quickly moved me to ICU where I was intubated on a ventilator and had a feeding tube.  I knew nothing about this whole experience.

I was intubated like I said for 3 days and finally a doctor asked me if I could hear him.  I could hear him but I could not answer him.  I could see him and my husband in the background.  Finally I moved my head and arm and then I could see the doctor and my husband. I began to talk and I asked for some water.  Soon I was feeling well again and my oxygen level was normal. I was taken to a ward where I was eventually transferred to a rehab hospital.

I will write about my experience at the rehab hospital next week.  Yes the doctor who prescribed Diovan for me made a huge mistake as well as the pharmacist who filled my prescription for Diovan month after month without checking to see if there were any negative interactions between any of my drugs.

I will write about my recovery from this terrible experience next week. Always be sure to have doctor and pharmacist check all your medications for negative interactions between drugs.  Mistakes are made and I, for one, almost lost my life to one big mistake.  Stay vigilant about what medications you are taking please!

See you next week.  Enjoy our nice weather this week.

Blog #11

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Good afternoon friends

Just a note to let you all know I have joined Reddit. I like it.

 Also want to let you know my primary care doctor left her practice recently. I have a new M.D, who comes from Maine Medical Center.  I just had an appointment with him on Monday night. I liked him right away.  He was very intelligent and really acted like he cared about my health.  He checked my blood sugars and they have been low so he decreased my insulin and already my sugars have increased to a normal level.  I am impressed by his knowledge of diabetes.

I also asked him to please recheck my blood pressure as it is usually high and I was concerned about it as I always am.  He did recheck it and he said it was high.  He checked all of my blood pressure pills and he has discontinued one.  He replaced it was a new high blood pressure pill that he said really helps to bring down blood pressure.  Sounded good to me.  We will see soon. 

Also I mentioned to him that my psychiatrist told me to increase my lamotrigine from 100 mg to 200 mg as 100 mg was not even a therapeutic dosage.  She said 200 mg would stabilize my moods better.  Well, I tried 200 mg and I felt “flat” and I didn’t even dare to drive.  I don’t want to feel like this so I told my new primary care doctor I only wanted to take 150 mg of Lamotrigine .  He said that would be the dosage he would have recommended for me. I was again impressed with his knowledge especially of mental health drugs.

My psychiatrist is soon retiring and I will have to find a new medication provider, probably a psychiatric nurse practitioner, whom I never have felt comfortable with due to their lack of education compared to a psychiatrist or primary care physician.  I am going to check into having my new primary care physician handle my case.  I know I would feel like I was receiving the best care.

As you can see I was extremely happy with my visit Monday night.  I feel fortunate that I have finally found a doctor who can treat all my health needs.  I believe this will be a much better scenario for me.

I hope this information will encourage you to be sure and find the best doctors for you for all your health needs too!  It can really make a big difference in you obtaining the best care for yourself.

I hope you all have a great, warm rest of the week and please be in good spirits!

Blog #10

April 20, 2021

Good morning to you all!

Today I will be writing about my life experiences after my suicide attempt and the nine years I experienced as a single working mother.

Call me crazy, but I have to be myself.  I want to be part of the “normal” world, but I also need to be open about being bipolar. Being a functional member of society and having a mental disorder is an intricate balancing act.  Every morning I send my son to school and put on my professional attire and drive off to my job at St, Joseph’s College where I have worked for five years.

I have no idea how many people at work know I have bipolar disorder especially now after my suicide attempt.  It took so much courage to go back to work dreading the stigma I might be confronted with now. I did go back to work because I had to support myself and my son now. My son’s father gave us child support each week but it was only enough for us to barely survive.

Sometimes I’m not sure myself what I am.  I blend in easily with “normal” people. You would never know, years ago fueled by a failing marriage and by the genetic inheritance of a manic-depressive grandmother and mother, I had a psychotic break.  To look at me you would never guess I had once jumped over a bridge and ended up in a hospital for mentally ill patients.  It took a period of deep depression to convince me I truly was bipolar.  Admitting I had a disorder that I would have to manage for life was the hardest thing I had ever done.  Since then, a combination of therapy, visits to a psychiatrist, proper medication and my own resiliency have helped keep me on an even keel.

Now I manage my moods with the vigilance of a mother hen, nudging them back to center whenever they wander too far.  Eating wisely, sleeping well and exercising regularly keep me balanced from day to day. Believe it or not, my disorder has taught me to be healthier and happier than I was before.  Most of the time I feel lucky to “blend in with the crowd”.  Things that most people fuss about like paying bills, maintaining a car, working 8-4 strike me as incredible privileges.  I will never forget gazing through the barred windows of the psychiatric ward into the parking lot, watching people come and go easily, wondering if I would ever be like them again. There is nothing like a stint in a locked ward to make one grateful for the freedoms and burdens of a full life out in the community.    Inside my head I want people to know the real me, in all my complexity, but I am afraid it would scare the hell out of them!

Every now and then, I truly feel like I am being myself. I am able to be fully myself with some close friends.  We didn’t set out to be-friend each other. We just all speak the same language of hardship, spiritual discovery and psychological awareness.  Some of these people are truly kindred spirits to me. What I long to do is integrate both sides of myself. I want to be part of the “normal “world but I also want to own my identity as bipolar without all the stigma associated with this disorder.

I want people to know all I have been through so I can help those struggling with the same journey. I do belong to NamiMaine’s Speakers Bureau where I can speak to groups of people who are themselves on this similar path and also speak to those who want to relate to others and know more about this disorder.  Fear has kept me from telling my story until a few years ago. I did not want to be stigmatized and to make people feel uncomfortable or of being reduced to a label.  It has become time for me to own up to who I am, complicated bipolar history and all.  Call me crazy, but I think it is the right thing to do.

Hope you all have a great week. 

Today I flow with the river.  I am one with the moon. I am peaceful and calm.  I forgive myself and everyone else.

Blog #9

Tuesday April 13, 2021

Good morning everyone

Today I will be writing about my appointment with my psychiatrist whom I see every 6 weeks to check on how I am doing with my medications. In a way I feel fortunate to have a psychiatrist looking after my medications now.  Psychiatrists are the ones who prescribe the medications and usually a nurse practitioner meets with you and just goes over the prescribed medications and see if everything is stable. They can make small changes but they are definitely not as qualified as a psychiatrist.

My psychiatrist has weaned me off of imipramine which I had taken for 30 years. She said I do not need it now. Also she has taken away valium which I use sparingly for severe anxiety especially at night if my thoughts are racing when I go to bed. Valium really works well for me and I usually only need to use one half pill.  I am upset that she will not give me anymore valium especially since it works so well for me. I am actually going to try to get more valium. My psychiatrist is retiring soon and when I see a new practitioner I will ask her if I can have some valium.  It may work.

Also my psychiatrist has increased my dosage of Lamotrigine to 200 mg daily. I do not want to take this much medication as it makes me lethargic and not sharp. I feel like a zombie on it. I don’t know why doctors want to drug people up so much.  I am going to continue taking 100 mg of Lamotrigine as I feel great and have felt great on it for the past 8 years. She will not be happy. Yes it may stabilize my moods better but numb me up. No thanks.  I have dealt well on 100 mg even though she says it isn’t even a therapeutic dosage.

She even wants to perhaps increase my Invega medication which is working beautifully for me.  I believe me, the patient, knows better what works for me more than she does.

I will try 150 mg of Lamotrigine this week but if I don’t like it I will decrease it back to 100mg.    It is vital for the doctor and patient to work closely together to find the best dosage for you.

Well, that’s about all I have to say this week.  I will keep you informed as to how I am doing this next week or two.  It’s scary to change medications but sometimes it is for the best.  We will see.

Hope you all are enjoying the sunny, warm weather and are feeling well.

Blog #8

Tuesday, March 30, 2021

Good afternoon.

I will be writing today about my suicide attempt many years ago.  Although it was long ago it is still vivid in my mind and it always will be.

I was devastated when my husband told me he wanted a divorce. I couldn’t imagine how my son and I would manage without him especially financially.  I did love him in some ways and we had been married for over 10 years but it wasn’t a loving relationship.  We were young and immature.  I was mostly worried about my husband leaving because I didn’t want my son to grow up without his father living with us. 

After the initial shock of hearing he wanted to leave us I became extremely stressed out and anxious and also depressed. I couldn’t think straight. I had to go to work but I really couldn’t do my job properly.  I was a mess.  My husband was still living in our house which made everything worse and almost unbearable.

I was really feeling like my bipolar disorder was blowing up and I was out of control.  One day I took my son to his baseball game and I was watching it as I always did and suddenly I knew I had to leave. I told my son I would see him later and I walked to my car and drove away.  I drove to my best girlfriend’s house and I told her I was confused, out of control and I was sobbing profusely.  My friend decided to take me into Maine Medical Center’s emergency room to get help.  We were put in a room together where we had to wait 6 hours before I could see a psychiatrist. I know I was psychotic now and delusional.  My bipolar disorder had taken over my mind.

After I saw the doctor I was admitted to the psychiatric ward at Maine Medical Center where I was given a room to sleep in that night.  In the morning I knew I had to leave the ward and go and kill myself.  I followed a doctor down the hall and I took a left and exited the ward. I ended up outside of Maine Medical Center in the parking lot. 

I decided to start walking and ended up on Congress Street in downtown Portland. I was so psychotic. I tried to get a taxi to take me to Windham where my car was and I was going to drive to Waterville to my brother’s Teepee and Kill myself.  I didn’t have any money for a taxi fee so I couldn’t carry out my plan.  I kept walking down the street and I ended up by the million dollar bridge which connected Portland to South Portland over the ocean.  It was an extremely high bridge.  I decided to walk out onto the bridge. I looked down at the boulders in the ocean and it looked terrifying. I decided I would jump down onto those rocks and kill myself. It was too gruesome even in my state of mind.  I hated the ocean because it was so cold and because of all the creatures in the ocean.  I kept walking along the bridge.  Many cars passed by me. 

I came to the middle of the bridge and stopped and looked down into the water.  I would jump into the ocean and drown.  I did not want to do this but because I was psychotic and delusional I experienced a force that overpowered my sane mind.  This force told me I had to kill myself by 11 am.  I loved my son so much but this force was overtaking my mind and I always did what I was told to do.

I was wearing a brown suit and sandals and carrying my mother’s purse.  I stood at the railing and finally I put one leg over the railing and then I put the other leg over the railing and I did jump down into the cold ocean water.  I landed and I don’t remember going under the water but I was tread milling in the water.  I said “I am not going to die”.

I looked out in the horizon and everything was calm and peaceful. I felt calm and peaceful too.  It was an extraordinary experience.  I felt like God had saved me. I now had to survive in the freezing water full of unknown creatures. I looked to shore and it was all sunny and it looked like a little beach nearby.  I decided to swim to shore.  I used my sidestroke and honestly it was no problem. I was still calm and focused on getting to shore.

I swam to a piling nearby and hung on. The water was so cold.  I knew it was past 11 am and I was not going to die.  I looked again at the sunny shoreline and started swimming again.  I made it to shore.  I was a wreck and began to climb up a hill.  I came to a sidewalk and I began walking down the street. I was a total mess.  A car stopped and said “Suzanne, is that you”. I recognized the man as the husband of one of the nurses who I worked for at St. Joseph’s College. He told me to get in the car and he took me to their house.  The nurse was home and she gave me some warm clothes and then they took me back to Maine Medical Center psychiatric ward.  I had to stay in a locked security room all night.  It was a frightening experience.  I was psychotic. 

In the morning I was told I was going to be transported to the state mental health hospital. I was scared. A big woman sheriff escorted me out of Maine Medical Center down to a white van.  I had to sit in the back of the van with two women who were handcuffed and screaming.  It was a terrifying experience and so humiliating. I was devastated and scared to death truthfully.

When we arrived at the state hospital I was taken into an admitting office where I was seen by a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist told me I had experienced divine intervention and I now had a second chance on life!

I will write in my next blog about my experience being a patient at the mental health hospital for 6 weeks.

Well, I finally wrote about this horrendous experience and my attempted suicide.  I am an extremely fortunate woman to have survived this ordeal and I am a grateful woman who believes in God’s power and to give me a second chance on life and ultimately find my purpose in life.